"keep calm and carry on"

While looking for some information, I accidentally came across this poster and, smiling, thought it might apply to the orthodox teaching of dealing with/ignoring logismoi:

(from http://www.allposters.com)

lots of sleep and sunny day

Today is very sunny (and warm) for a change – after two very cloudy and rainy days. And yesterday Vera lied down to rest a bit before I came home from work – and slept through the night, got up at 6:30am! I guess, being physically and/or emotionally very tired explains it well. Her mom and I put kids to bed and finished some errands, and having nothing better to do went to bed early also – I went around 10pm, which has not happened to me probably for at least couple of decades.

All of that together feels very nice!

On the completely other topic, I noticed someone from Australia has been reading my weblog pretty regularly. I’m curious to know who that might be. Could you please drop me a note if you are that reader? I’m really just curious. :)

"You will be wounded by that meeting"

I read this blog post couple of days ago, and would like to share it with you and record it for myself:

I figured it was time to cut to the chase. I told Father Iakovos why I'd come. After years of saying the prayer [the Jesus Prayer], I still hungered for unceasing prayer; I didn't think I had made much progress - except, perhaps, an increasing hunger to know always that sweet sense of God's presence, which I have tasted only fleetingly, intermittently.

My frank admission seemed, initially, to stun Father Iakovos. Then he smiled....

He said, "This is very good." His eyes were shining, his face bright with what I took to be joy. "I'll tell you what I can tell you," he said.

He placed a hand on his chest, just above his abdomen. "You have to hold on to Him," he said, "With all your strength."

He brought his other hand there too and made a tight, cupping gesture with both hands - one above the other - saying, "You have to plead with Him to meet you here," his hands parting now and opening so that he was making an oval with his forearms - the right arm low across his lower abdomen, the left arm reaching across his chest. He leaned forward and held his arms there, indicating effort, and said, "And when He arrives, you must hold on to Him, and not let go."

"Like Jacob," he said, "you must hold on to Him."

And then he sat up straight, still holding his arms before him as if to indicate a womb. "And like Jacob, you must say, 'I will not let You go unless You bless me', and then the wound, the tender hip thereafter, the blessing."

I couldn't talk. I only nodded.

"He is everything," Father Iakovos continued, "and ever-present. He is never not here," he said, touching his upper abdomen, "but when you plead to know He's here, and when he answers you and helps you to meet Him here, you will be wounded by that meeting. The wound will help you know, and that is the blessing."

- Scott Cairns, Short Trip to the Edge: Where Earth Meets Heaven - A Pilgrimage (HarperSanFrancisco, 2007), p. 135-7

( http://orrologion.blogspot.com/2010/09/you-will-be-wounded-by-that-meeting.html )

muay thai: Michael Thompson against Sing

As I mentioned from the beginning, muay thai is part of my life, somewhat minor, and it's going to be similarly part of this weblog. So, read/watch forward if you're interested or simply curious about this sport. :)

This morning I watched this competition, two amazingly fit, conditioned and quick young men. Even after training for 3 years, I'm still puzzled by how people are able to take such strong hits, especially the knees and elbows. I would probably pass out after the very first attack.

"being is communion"

Our sin is not the result of an indebtedness, but rather the failure to live in communion with God. Humanity did not incur an unpayable debt at the Fall, but rather entered the realm of death (as God had warned).

We are a walking existential crisis – verging on non-existence itself. This is not a result of God’s wrath, but the result of our rebellion against the “good God who loves mankind” and our preference for death over life.

(Fr. Stephen Freeman, http://fatherstephen.wordpress.com/2010/09/22/existence-and-truth)

I'm amazed by people simply disregarding the teaching contained in the Bible: I decided not to believe it, so it doesn't apply to me. Of course, I understand their logic, but it just doesn't change the facts. When a child says "I have no father" (or a parent in general) - that doesn't make the Father disappear. And it doesn't make the child's dependence on the Father disappear either. How is going a child, an infant actually, survive without the Parent? Simply impossible. One could say: well, if your God is a so loving parent, why wouldn't He take care of the stubborn and ignorant child? Actually, He would and He does. But some things cannot be done by the Parent alone, they require some co-operation from the child; that's feeding, for instance, and learning how to live in this environment. So, what's going to happen to a child who willingly cuts the lifeline by rejecting/ignoring the Parent's care?

As Met. John Zizioulas has famously stated, “Being is communion.”

Sin is a movement towards non-being.

In other words, non-communion is death. Spiritual and physical.

It teaches us to pray as if our lives depended on it – because they do.

Exactly.

Hasidim (plural of Hasid)

I was listening to a music podcast and heard very interesting thing:

"The word “Hasid” means literally “love and kindness”. I heard that Hasidim believe, that all life is holy and is the cause for rejoicing, and that singing is a form of God’s mystic worship."

Went to wiki to check and found very similar description there:

"In classic Rabbinic literature it differs from "Tzadik" (righteous), by instead denoting one who goes beyond the legal requirements of ritual and ethical Jewish observance in daily life. The literal meaning of "Hasid" derives from "Chesed" (kindness), the outward expression of love of God and other people. This spiritual devotion motivates pious conduct beyond everyday limits [and...] towards piety over legalism."

What a wonderful word! what a beautiful idea!

And how sad it is that they love the Father... and reject Him by rejecting His Son, although still expecting Him to come.

( photo's source )

driving passions out

I subscribe to a daily email list labeled "Orthodox Quote of the Day". It is administered a good man Adam, and the short quotes he sends are usually very good, helping me to start the day in a more proper way. Anyone could subscribe to it, if you'd like, here: http://stisaacthesyrian.com

Today's quote is what triggered me to write about it, and I'll probably share some of those quotes here in the future. Here is today's one - on driving passions out:

Once a habit demands something and its request is not fulfilled, the next time you will find it weaker. But if you fulfill its desire just once, the next time you will find its assault against you to be much stronger.

(St. Isaac the Syrian)

Bagdad, AZ

I was looking for some information on time zones and, by a chance, noticed there is a town in the US named Bagdad. Out of curiosity, I decided to look up a bit of info on it, and found it’s a pretty small town – in year 2000 there were under 500 households. It’s always amazing and a bit funny to me to see tiny US villages called like something big, such Amsterdam, Rome or Moscow. Same thing here. And when I looked at the map, I especially liked this:

you can see a bit larger, easier to read, version if you click on it

In the middle of nothing, huh?

I wonder what life is like in such small community. I’m definitely not a big city person, but that is also an unfamiliar ground to me.

hell and paradise

A samurai named Nobushige came to Hakuin, the Zen master, and asked: "Is there really a paradise and a hell?"

"Who are you?" inquired Hakuin.

"I am a samurai," the warrior replied.

"You, a samurai!" exclaimed Hakuin. "What kind of ruler would have you as his guard? Your face looks like that of a beggar."

Nobushige became so angry that he began to draw his sword, but Hakuin continued: "So you have a sword! Your weapon is probably as dull as you are."

As Nobushige drew his sword Hakuin quietly remarked: "Here open the gates of hell."

At these words the samurai, perceiving the master's lesson, sheathed his sword and bowed.

"Here open the gates of paradise," said Hakuin.

children of God

Today the birthday of the Mother of our God is celebrated by the old calendar parishes. We belong to a new calendar parish, so we celebrate Church holidays with the parish. But this day is special for us because our daughter N was baptized on this day, so it is her second birthday, too - and possibly that was the present from the Mother of all Christians.

On Sunday, father John said sermon that really touched me and somewhat corrected my approach to things. I needed some time to comprehend it, that's why I did not write about it earlier. The words I'll express the idea with are not the same he said; this is more of the way I've grasped it:

"Stop thinking of what you could/should be (meaning the ideal of a saint) and remember instead what you are. And you are son (or daughter) of God, and very loved one by the way. So, live correspondingly to that, and you'll be/become what you should be without even thinking about it."

blessed Isaac's words

We experience the sweetness of Truth not when we do righteous deeds but when love for Truth pierces our hearts. And we become sinners not when we fall into sin but when, after falling, we do not hate it and do not repent.

Before all passions - one's self-love; and before all virtues - neglecting self' comfort.

Root of all passions is self-love; and all virtues start with disregarding self' comfort.

Saint Isaac the Syrian

(translation from Russian is mine, sorry if it's not easy to get through)

not afraid

We're using some eye drops on my son D, he's almost 6 now. We just started with those drops and initially he was afraid they'd sting, so he wouldn't let us drop them in his eyes. Tonight he bravely said: "We're going to use those drops again, right? I'm not afraid anymore, did you know that? I'm only afraid first time. Although I might forget that..."

As my wife said, it is easy for little monkeys to forget.

P.S. I guess, we're well versed in "Curious George". Years of reading that pay off.

"The Unburnt Bush"

Today is the day (by old calendar) of one of my favorite icons - Most-Holy Theotokos "The Unburnt Bush". It is special to me because I got a small copy of it - on wood, small, beautiful and visibly old - years ago when I was taking my first steps in the Church of Christ. My friend gave it to me, that happened in Holy-Trinity Monastery (Jordanville, NY).

Click on it to see it bigger, in detail.

sign, reading, life

On the way to work today I saw a huge sign by some (furniture?) store with big red letters: HUGE RECESSION SALE. I understand it doesn’t matter what label was put on something you need and buy – the label doesn’t change the contents and quality. But somehow this looks wrong to me... It has some negative connotation, suggesting we’re in a kind of depression. Wouldn’t that turn the mood of the reader down and discourage even looking at whatever that (or any) store has to offer? Or, “mayhaps”, that is the goal of the sign?

I’m re-reading some fiction I used to read long time ago, during my school years. It is “The fellowship of the talisman” by Clifford Simak, and I’m planning to re-read “The goblin reservation” of the same author. Certain time of my life, probably relatively short, was sort of defined by Simak and Heinlein. Now they are mostly just fiction to me that is pleasant to read; but at that time it was (in addition to creating a very interesting mix of fantasy and reality world) opening new worlds of thought to me, making my mind more flexible, open, and less cliché’d.

This new routine is still affecting us. On the weekend all of us caught up on the sleep, so the first day or two after that are okay: kids get up relatively easy and happy, and that defines a lot of how things will go during the day. But in the evenings they are tired and sleepy even by dinner time, ready to fall asleep, even though before this new routine they resisted going to bed pretty much every night. And as we go through the week, the mornings become less pleasant: they wake up rough and cranky, everything seems irritating to them and they get into tiny fights here and there. Not a pleasant thing to see, but I’m not sure I know how to deal with that; after all, they are in the difficult physical state indeed. But the good news is – today is already Thursday and my dear mother-in-law is coming, God willing, in just 2 days and then kids will be able to get their normal, sufficient sleep in the mornings. Vershka will still struggle through here student-teaching and studying at the same time, but that’s the last semester. And we even manage to watch an episode of “Star Trek” from time to time, so life definitely isn’t bad. :)

Can’t wait for Sunday though.

"The Little Prince" on spiritual life

"It is a question of discipline," the little prince said to me later on. "When you've finished your own toilet in the morning, then it is time to attend to the toilet of your planet, just so, with the greatest care. You must see to it that you pull up regularly all the baobabs, at the very first moment when they can be distinguished from the rosebushes which they resemble so closely in their earliest youth. It is very tedious work," the little prince added, "but very easy."

( written by Antoine de Saint-Exupéry, translated by Katherine Woods )

yesterday's little Paskha

Yesterday we had a little city day parade and my daughter N, a competitive gymnast, had to participate with her team. They marched along with many other groups and did some flips and similar stuff, which is like singing ABC’s for them, but they couldn’t do anything more interesting on the asphalted pavement. For that reason, out family had to split up for the first half of the day and I went to church with my son D while Vera went with N to the parade.

We celebrated the Exaltation of the Cross yesterday, as our priest is not available to do it tonight/tomorrow morning (he has to work). My son was unusually behaving well, so for me the Liturgy also had a better, deeper impact. The Gospel reading and the sermon after that were also on the topic of the Crucifixion. In the end we all, taking turns, bowed down and venerated the Cross, while everyone was singing “Before Thy Cross...” Overall experience felt strongly like Holy Friday and Paskha at the same time, although to me it felt more like Holy Friday.

The weekend before this one my daughter agreed with our choir director to try and sing with/in the choir. She told me that and I was surprised, I had no influence on that at all. I don’t what’s going to come out of that, as N might simply not be able to follow the melody or especially the notes, but I’m glad anyway since that means a deeper involvement for her, serving in her way, and also eventually better understanding of what’s going on. Yesterday after the brunch we were supposed to be in the choir rehearsal for the first time, they’re usually short – under half hour. But N was not there for it, since she was at the parade. Our choir director Alice invited me anyway. We started kind of late and I was the only one, so that rehearsal turned into a personal singing lesson. I have some basic understanding of the notes which helped, but we worked a bit on letting my voice work as I was restraining it being simply shy and not having a habit of singing loud, especially in the church. And we sang “Lord have mercy” and “Receive the Body of Christ...” in ways new to me, very beautiful as long as I don’t ruin it. I was still singing on the way home with my son in the car, but once I was distracted by some other singing – I couldn't sing those melodies anymore: I stared at the notes and could not remember at all how they are supposed to sound. :) But that’s ok, we’ll pick it up again next Sunday, I suppose. I’m still not sure though whether I want to sing in the choir. It takes attention to follow the notes, which to me means it takes attention away from prayer. I don’t like that. But maybe that’s only in the beginning, while the melodies are new to me and I’m not singing them automatically. Well, we’ll see. Even if it’s for N to be more involved, I’m willing to do it, at least for now. And, in addition to that, the choir needs more voices, so maybe this is my part in serving our Lord, worshiping and glorifying Him.

P.S. Did you know that in Russian "Sunday" is "Voskresenie" - the same word as "Resurrection"?

Friday, death, life

Before Thy Cross we bow down, O Master, and Thy holy Resurrection we glorify.

A few days ago we read in the news that the Electric Light Orchestra’s former cellist Mike Edwards was killed in a “freak collision”: he “was driving a van Friday when he collided with a 600-kilogram (1,300 pound) hay bale that had rolled down a hill to the road”. The expression “freak collision” implies it was an accident, coincidence. But I don’t believe in coincidences. I heard people say that coincidence is another name for the hand of God, or that coincidence is God’s way of remaining anonymous. I agree. And I think if He takes someone out of his life, that means the person is ready at that moment, or that, if left here, the person will get into such sin that his eternal life will be affected very badly. And there are, I’m sure, other possible reasons.

On the same day my father told me a story that his mother told. It happened in her childhood. I don’t know how old my grandma was at that time, and I can’t ask her since we’re temporarily separated by death, but I’m sure she was well under 10. One day she visited another girl, her friend, to play with her, and as she walked in that friend was eating. The girl was surprised and glad to see my young grandma and she made some exclamation sound, which sent the food in her mouth wrong way, and in a couple of seconds she was gone from this life. I don’t know what my grandma felt at that time (and later), but probably sadness and guilt of being the cause of this “premature death”, even though involuntarily. But I was also surprised by my reaction to hearing this tale: I was instantly glad that the girl was taken away from here in her early years, when she can’t yet be really responsible for her misbehavior as a child and thus is guaranteed to be saved. It may sound strange, I understand, and I can’t be sure how I’d react if something similar were to happen to one of my children, but that’s how I feel. That’s my take on it: “better safe than sorry”.

We were walking at the cemetery as my dad told me that story. We love cemeteries: they are peaceful and often beautiful, and somehow help to pray. Looking around at the tombstones, my dear wife Vershka said that she doesn’t want that kind of stone. So, in case she’s the first to go, I’m supposed to find a shapeless rock from the ocean/sea beach and make that her tombstone. And she wants her LiveJournal avatar on it:

I think if we were there, under that tombstone, together – we could use this one instead:

But Vera loves my current avatar which you see in this blog, so I guess that’s it. Now, she seems to be pretty much at peace with the idea of dying. She probably is only worried about kids staying here without her care, but other than that – simply accepts it. Same here, I’m worried about kids, although should I be? is it really me, and not Him, who’s taking care of them? But anyway, I’m not so much at peace. Relatively – yes, but not completely. Although I do believe in our merciful and loving God, I also know my life so far has not been that good. And I sincerely don’t know if I even started to really repent. So, there is something I’m worried about.

Lately there were so many reminders of the death... At least three people I know, one of them being very close friend of mine, are struggling with cancer. One of them, my parents’ friend, internally gave up, slid down into depression, but I know the priest visits him often and he receives the Communion – that’s a relief. But another one of them – my friend – is optimistic; he has clear ideas of what he’s going to do when (not if) he recovers – and that, I think, is huge in itself.

So, all that constantly brings my thoughts to this topic. But “remember that death is not the end” (© Bob Dylan), and...

Christ is risen!

"agate art"

Very good friends of ours live in Maine and they are great iconographers. I'm not educated on that topic really, but I love their work. In addition to that, they do watercolor painting and other decorations.
If this is of interest to you, take a look at their gallery: http://www.agateart.net/gallery

it's Rosh Hashanah, Mr. Spock

It is Rosh Hashanah now, which is a very important holiday for us. Yes, I am of Hebrew blood, but that is not the reason. It’s simple: no school today! Which means no going to school for children and no going to work for my wife. That gave them a chance to catch up on the sleep this morning, and also provided a relatively peaceful evening for all of us yesterday: we did not have to feed/wash/put kids to bed early enough so that they would get more sleep before getting up at 6:30am. Instead, we had some conversations an reading time, and after kids went to bed Vera and I even watched a movie – what a luxury!

We are watching “Star Trek: Next Generation”, 1st season now.  Yesterday we watched the episode titled “When the Bough Breaks”. It was interesting to go through but nothing really to remember; interesting in a “mission impossible” type of sense: some seemingly unsolvable situation which is after all solved. But I keep recalling the very first season of “Star Trek” (1966) which we started to watch in the Spring last year because our friends, huge fans of it, mentioned it to us, and we fell in love with it and couldn’t stop watching for many months. While the visual effects were next to nothing and the decorations were very simplistic, more like of a theatre play’s than of a movie (which is itself a very nice thing), the questions asked in those episodes were philosophical and of great magnitude. And the characters were deeper. Those are missing in “Next Generation”; at least that’s how we see it. Watching “Next Generation” now, I keep thinking to myself: “Beam me up, Scotty. There is no intelligent life here.”

P.S. And of course I miss the first officer Spock.

prayer request

In our family parish there is a baby named Gabriel, he was baptized just recently, on August 29th. Tomorrow he’s planned to undergo a serious surgery. Please pray for his health and salvation.

There is also a couple with 5 children. She’s been treated for a long while having cancer; please pray about Christine and her family.

Thank you!

Update: I just spoke to the baby's grandma and she said the surgery went well. Thank you for the prayers!

invisible motorcycle, visible youth

I have a friend whom I consider my sister. We went through a lot of things together: a hippy type of youth, then coming to Christ (she was a bit ahead and I was in a way following her), and now being parents. She lives in Ukraine, in the same town where our youth had been. Very kind and beautiful loving soul.

that’s him and my son this past July

Her son, who’s about 10 years old, and her nephew, who is himself now going through his similar type of youth/college years, are also my friends, very dear to me. Both are talented musicians and artists, and their fantasy, it seems, knows no limits. Often it seems they also have enormous amount of spare time on their hands. Today they posted this “video” they made – it is not really a video file but an image that is composed of multiple frames, so called “animated GIF”.

this file is 2MB, so it may take a short while to load

When I looked at it and realized how they did it I was amazed with the amount of effort put into the making! But I’m sure they both had a lot of fun doing it and even more fun showing it to friends now. So, I just wanted to share this experience of youth with you.

new routine

Today was very different than all the days before. Kids re-started school last week, although that is not a novelty. My wife though started student-teaching today, and that caused a huge change in our routine. Both she and I have to get out of home and go to work before our kids get out to go to school, so we have to get them ready before we leave and the babysitter takes care of the rest. Now, I thought I was already completely busy with no time on my own... I just found out I actually had that time, but not anymore. :) From the early time we get up to the late time we go to bed it's a non-stop routine. Can't stop, or we'll simply not have one or another important thing done on time. I'm pretty tired now, and it's not for a lot of work done, but more because of worrying about not having something done properly and on time.

Anyway, life is good!
And, I guess, I still have some spare time - since I'm typing this text right now. :)

Transfiguration

While reading the Transfiguration account in the Gospel this morning and I remembered that phone conversation I had this August...

There is an old Russian priest, father Ilya (Elijah in English), old and very simple man – his education is limited to elementary school long ago in Turkey, so he speaks a bit illiterate Russian and almost no English. He’s a man and thus certainly is not ideal, but he’s a very good one, of fervent faith, genuine humility and love towards God and His children. If not a saint, he is, I believe, at least very close to that. Now he’s retired, but until recently he had served Liturgy and all other daily services pretty much every day for the last few decades. During the services, he usually struggled and stumbled as he read the Gospel during the Liturgies; but he often stopped because he couldn’t restrain tears rolling out of his eyes, and you can imagine how that affected us.

I have not seen him in a long time, and after the Liturgy on that Transfiguration day in August I wanted to call and greet him, and simply hear his voice and let him know he’s remembered. So, I called and told him that I missed him. I could hear him smiling as he responded in his beautiful simplicity: “Don’t you miss me; miss Him. Did you read today’s Gospel – how Moses and Elijah came to Mount Tabor to Him? Do you know why they came there? they just wanted to be with Him!"

blogging, weekend

The idea of blogging is not new to me. I've started blogging over 8 years ago as some of my friends introduced to me a huge Russian community blogging and interacting on LiveJournal. I took a deep dive, started making friends and writing on different topics that were of interest to me: music first of all, and the books, movies, and simply about my life. At that time I was at the doorstep of the Church and did not know it yet. Soon I came in contact with Orthodoxy and started learning the basics of spiritual life. That significantly changed my priorities and also my behavior. I quickly realized that all or most of my online writings were at least idle talk, and often with a lot of vanity behind the subject or style of my postings. Thus, I removed almost all my previous blog posts and from that moment limited myself to only certain topics which to me seemed useful. That gradually changed into a blog that mostly consists of quotes from the Fathers of the Church or contemporary books and articles on the Christian topic (99% in Russian). Over the years I probably made literally a handful of personal posts - where I was actually telling something about myself or events of my life. (Although, I was reading other Journals and talking to people in the comments to those, so during these years I connected with a lot of good people and made a few of very close friends, for which I'm very grateful.)

On the contrary, this blog is intended to be personal. That doesn't exclude some quotations, but it's really going to be about me, my family's life, and some personal thoughts too, as this is a type of diary. In that respect, this new beginning is really somewhat unfamiliar ground to me.

So, to begin that, I'm going to tell you that this weekend my childhood's dream has finally come true. I'm the only child of my parents, no siblings, and I wanted to have a little sister when I was a boy. I asked my parents for that but somehow that didn't happen for a long time... And now, 3 decades later, my mom has become a God-mother of a little girl Anna, whom I now like to refer to as my God-sister. :) Of course, I'm partly joking; but on the other hand she is my sister, my God-sister, as we have the same Father.

+ he was all joy and light

A few years ago I met him at Holy Trinity Monastery grounds, in Jordanville, NY. He was already very old, this priest, father Boris Kizenko. Since then I've always remembered how fiery his prayer was, and how amazingly Gandalf-like he looked.

When I spoke to him back then, he was all joy and light. The gladness and reverence with which he received every person as God's child were so natural and... contagious! We exchanged a few short letters and cards over time. I even wanted to go to Jackson, NJ and see him, talk to him - with no particular questions on my mind, but simply to be next to him. Today I learnt that he "fell asleep in the Lord on August 27".

Of course, I had no real experience with him, yet I felt I knew him in a very deep way, with reverence. And now, although with pangs of sadness, I still feel that this son of God has walked his path well and is now rejoicing in the heavenly Kingdom.

Memory eternal to you, father. Pray to God for us.

+

“Live as though..."

Well, I will start this weblog with one of my favorite quotes:

“Live as though Christ died yesterday, rose from the grave today, and is coming back tomorrow.”

- Theodore Epp